L’avion

There aren’t many words to describe what it was like after I had left everyone and really started exchange. I felt in control, but very vulnerable at the same time. After all, it was the first time I had ever been truly on my own. I was waiting for it to hit me, but all the same I thought maybe it wouldn’t – maybe some part of my mind had put up a shield against it, because already the petits tastes of realisation that I’d had were too much.

The flight had been delayed three hours, so I wandered for some time before I met up with a few other exchange students. Kirsten, April, Brooke and Riley were their names. All were going to different parts of France. It was a little awkward at first, I think everyones minds were still lingering on thoughts of their recent farewells.

On the plane I sat next to Riley. I tried to go to sleep straight away because I knew I wouldn’t be able to unless I did straight up. I’m proud to say that I slept for probably 3/4 of the trip. Literally every time I woke up, no matter what time it was, I would force myself to fall back to sleep. Before I knew it, we were in Dubai. Though because the first flight was delayed, we had missed the second flight and had to wait another 8 hours. It passed quickly enough though, I had the best smoothie of my life and played videogames. C’est la vie.

Before the next flight, we discovered that another exchange student had lost her passport and had to stay in Dubai. I can scarcely imagine how horrible that would have been. Come to think of it, I still don’t know what happened to her…

On the flight to Paris, I slept. Apparently I also slept talked and moved around heaps – pretty awkward for the Frenchie sitting next to me! Soon enough we touched down – I was almost eagerly awaiting everything to finally hit me, but it didn’t. I kept thinking, maybe when I speak French or maybe when we’re driving away from the airport…

But no. We got to the hotel and I met my Spanish tri-lingual friend/room mate Carolina for the first time. I was surprised that almost everyone spoke English. In fact, they had the whole three day camp in English even though there were over 200 students from all over the world. But of the entire three days, only a few things stand out. Yes, we got to see the Eiffel Tower. Though it’s been a little too over-glorified to really have amazed me. The best bits of the camp were simply talking with all the other students. One night, even though I was so exhausted, I stayed up until the AM just having a laugh with an American girl and Riley.

One other thing stands out: on the first night, just as I had relaxed under the sheets in the darkness I heard fireworks outside. I knew that the days ahead were going to be just as awkward and difficult as those leading up to my departure, but just in that moment I was in the space inbetween – the eye of the storm. But even more importantly, those fireworks somehow signified a new beginning as well as an end to all the trivial matters of my adolscence.

Au Revoir

There are several people who I genuinely love in this world. Each one has a different story to how I said goodbye.

Amy: She had been sick on my last day and over the weekend so I hadn’t been able to say goodbye properly. But on the car ride to the bus station I saw her walking to school and it was really sad because I knew she was only going to say goodbye. Later though, I’m glad to say we talked on the phone just before I got on the bus.

Remy: Remy was intense. Its strange that it was so sadenning to leave her, I don’t know how our friendship flourished like it did – but sometimes you just meet a person with whom you get along with so well. It was in the corridor at school when I said goodbye and she burst into tears. I just wanted to hold her for eternity. It was even sadder to say goodbye to her as well because it wasn’t like I would be going to school with her next year. She’s a year younger than me, so we’ll have zero connections next and I think we both knew that our friendship would never be quite the same again.

Joey: When my brother said goodbye at the bus station he offered a hug, which was a really rare thing for him to do. We have had many arguments in our lives, but I think it’s fair to say we actually get along really well. It was sad to say goodbye to Joey because when I get back he’s going to University and perhaps it was the last time we would live together as the children of the family.

Barry: My dad and I definitely don’t see eye to eye on many things – though he thinks he can see everyones perspective perfectly. We had had a massive argument the night before, which almost made things awkward – but mostly sad. I know he means well and I appreciate his good nature but leaving him was probably for the best because, if either of us want our relationship to improve, we need to have a long break from each other.

Izzy: Saying goodbye to my bestfriend Izzy was heartwrenching. None of the other goodbyes were as disturbingly vivid as this one. It wasn’t that she had burst into an uncontrolable fit of tears like Remy, just that you could tell by every word she said that she was genuinely incredibly sad to see me go. I knew I was breaking her heart in a way – at the peak of our friendship, I was going to leave. I didn’t know what to say to make it better – I was almost as hearbroken as she was and so when I got on the bus and saw her turn to go – the full weight of my commitment hit me, but only for a moment. Then I swallowed hard and endured each second of the increasingly more anxiety-ridden bus ride.

After we got to Sydney, we stayed the night in my cousins apartment. That is, my mum, David (my boyfriend), Nikki (my best friend) and I. We ate pizza for dinner by the harbour bridge and after I stayed up late with David and Nikki. That night, as promised, I also broke up with David – but it wasn’t really like we were broken up. Though that was definitely when it hit him. The next day we hung out in the CBD. Probably the most calming experience of my life was going into The Botanical Gardens and falling asleep on Davids lap as both he and Nikki slept too. It was like, just for a half hour, I stopped trying to catch each moment in my iron fist – I just let the time flow through me, as though it were an endless rain. But that turned out not to be true. An hour later we were at the airport. And with mounting fear and anxiety, more than ever before, we were suddenly walking to the gate where I would have to say goodbye, not only to my mum and my friends, but the only life I have ever known and the country which I genuinely love.

Mum: She was proud of me and I could tell. I don’t think she minded too much about being so far from me for so long – she is too rational to be overwhelmed. I think she had finally come to the realisation that she had succeeded as a mother and maybe even she was able to drop a certain fear of failure that ever parent must have. I think in those final moments, she had found a new respect for me and perhaps I became in her eyes more of an equal and less of a child.

Nikki: Nikki will always joke around till the very end of everything she ever does. She was cracking jokes and having a good time, but I think it had sunk in that this was finally it.

David: For David, I think it was finally too much and he gave up on trying to see it all as “for the best”. He didn’t want me to go and I could tell that if their was even the slightest hope of one, he would be searching for a loophole so I could stay. We kissed and he seemed almost panicked when it was over – could it really be the last? For us, it was a confusing and scary goodbye. Neither of us knew if we would want to get back together when I return. Maybe one will like the idea but not the other. That’s what David thought would happen, and he thought it was going to be him left broken hearted. For him this was like the beginning of breaking up, but taking five months.

After I said goodbye, the fear and overall anxiety had peaked – it was almost too much. About to have a mental breakdown of some sort, I turned around, emptied my mind of everything from the life that was mine no longer in one sweeping breath, and stepped into the savage, inescapable, desolate realm of exchange for once and for all.

Les Trois Etages de la Départ

The three stages of depature:

1. (10-6 months before depature). Legitimately bursting with vivid excitement. Every day I soaked it up, and it actually seemed to improve my Canberran life. I could spend hours just thinking, planning, imagining all the cool things I would be doing. But along with this, I was increasingly frustrated at how long I had to wait – why couldn’t I just leave, then and there?

2. (5-1 month before departure). After so much frustration at the fact that time wasn’t passing, I had given up on excitement. It seemed to be so far in the future it wasn’t worth a second thought – or worth wasting any more emotions on. I treated every day life as though I weren’t ever leaving, which only made it seem more like I was never going to go.

3. (30 days – 0 days to departure). There was one day when I actually realised that I was going to be going soon and it unsettled me. Over the year I had become closer with so many people, not to mention having a boyfriend – I tried to forget that I had to go soon. But with each day it became more of a reality and the thought of leaving filled me with fear. But it was a fear I tried to reject. About two weeks before departure, I woke up feeling sick and, as I sat by the poubelle on the cold kitchen floor I tried to remember what I had recently ate to have made me so sick. I hadn’t eaten anything out of the ordinary and nothing that would make me sick. I was so confused, until I realised that it was just my nerves. Every consequent day, I woke up needing to throw up simply because I had that much fear. And the fear was rapidly increasing. I tried to ignore it as much as possible, but the inescapableness of what I was about to do was presque overwhelming. I had only one idea, to sleep.

La France – Mais Pourquoi?

When I chose which country, I honestly didn’t put much thought into it. I don’t know why – it just didn’t seem to matter. But there are several vague connections to this country which I have:

Firstly, Le Fabuleux Destin d’Amelie Poulain.  I’ve been quite passionate for films ever since I worked for a Blockbuster for two years – (best job in the world!) But essentially, it’s just a French movie I adore.

Secondly, L’Etranger by Albert Camus. Every time I read this book, I’m almost obsessive about it. It takes you by the throat and doesn’t let you go until you finish the very last word. As much as I love it, I am always slightly disheartened by the fact that I can never read it in it’s native tongue. So maybe that’s why I chose France.

Lastly, it just seemed like a convenient choice. The girl who introduced me to exchange went to France too, and was willing to help me with the language. Plus there was an Alliance Française about five minutes from my house.

But honestly, I’m still unsure as to why I am here.

Prémierement

Hello, my name is Olive and I’m a sixteen year old Australian currently on exchange in France. I’ve been here for two months already and here’s the beginning of the story of how I got here:

I could easily say it all started when a work-friend introduced me to the concept of exchange and the company I’m with – AFS – but when truth be told, it’s much more than that. Because in reality, it’s simply my personality that inevitably led to exchange. At home I had always found within myself a superabundance of energy which found no outlet in my simple, surburban life. I sought excitement and danger and the chance to tackle my fear of the unknown. Though I led a pleasant life, I could never have been content to stay put. So it was almost expected that I would do exchange, or something equally as outrageous. My friends at at school could never fully grasp the concept of why I was doing what I was, but nobody ever seemed surprised that it was me who was doing it. I guess I’ve always been the odd one, not really strange – but the one who just does things differently.